....

I've been trying really hard for the last two weeks to let this feeling go... and I've tried to not think about it but every time it comes into my mind I just cry. I nearly killed my son...

My birth experience was, less than ideal. I thought I did an ok job getting to 9-10cm. The only time I really wanted to give up was in the car on the ride to the hospital. That was the worst!

I was really excited (as excited as i could be while exhausted) when I was told that I was at 10, but in an instant it was taken away. "Don't Push"

"Don't Push"

So I fought it... like trying to fight my body's every breath. It was the worst thing I have done in my entire life. With every contraction I could feel my body bearing down. I could feel it from my head to my toes trying to push my little guy out. But I had to fight it. I couldn't help.

It didn't help that the one nurse for HOURS had been whispering negative things to me. "Why not just get the epidural?" "how much longer are you going to put yourself through this?" "What are you trying to prove?" and many other things that thankfully I didn't hear much and have since forgotten. I started to block her out at some point.

After 2 hours of this not pushing, I will admit I had nothing left. I couldn't keep fighting my body. I desperately wanted to push. On the few contractions when I allowed myself to push it felt like relief. No joke I actually felt much better but everyone would yell "Don't Push" over and over with every contractions.

Finally the epidural was brought up as the only solution. I hadn't eaten in over 14hrs and even then it was a small meal. I had no fight left and with all 4 people in the room saying I should do it i did. For a moment it felt good but only a moment. The horrid nurse shoved me onto my side, something was wrong.

Cameron had no heart beat, with every contraction he was in distress and his heart rate failed. The epidural was killing him. My failure was killing him, I had given up and it was going to kill him. I should have fought. I should have continued. I was brought into the OR for an emergency C-section.

I just want this guilt to go away... but every time I see the incision or I feel it pull I know... I almost killed my son because I gave up.