I will never...

I remember a conversation during arts and crafts class in High School where Kevin, Julie,and I discussed sex, marriage, and children. I was a firm No, Never, Nope, Not in this lifetime.
Pretty funny right?
Well once I did fall in love and get married, I said I would NEVER want to Foster kids. They were troubled and I couldn't handle them.
Now? My heart breaks for them. It isn't their choice to be torn from their families, and every child deserves a safe place to live. They deserve to know they are loved and that no matter what someone will always be in their corner.
We are not foster parents but my heart is calling out to those kids... We will see where it leads.

God keep turning my Nevers into miracles! More of you, less of me!

Just Say Yes

A few months ago... possibly a long time ago actually... we had a speaker come to our church and talk about being intentional about reading our bibles. That if we were really engaged in our bible and in our faith, and in our walk and relationship with the Lord we would be ready to say "YES" before we even knew the question.
He shared a great story about the all too common line "well lets just pray about it first" and on the surface it sounds great, it sounds holy, it sounds like a great thing to do. It also sounds like Jonah. We need to be prayed up and squared up so when God calls we don't question, we don't faulter, we don't fear the call. Jonah knew clearly it was a call from God, but he ran away. Our "pray about it" answer is no better at times. We KNOW it was God's call, we KNOW it is from Him but we are scared. We are afraid. We run.
Today was intro to week 1 of the Voice of God study by Prescilla Evans Shirer and let me tell you friends, it was what I needed to hear! She mentioned again, that we need to be ready with a YES without knowing where it's going to go.
We have to stop with the excuses and the delays.
Starting today I'm praying that I can hear from God. That I will know his voice in the roar of the waves, the whisper of the wind, and the colors of the sunset. That I can hear from Him on the pages on my Bible, the lyrics to my worship, and the voice of my pastor.
No longer can I rely on myself to know where to go and what to do... no longer can I pretend to be in control.
I'm not.
I can NEVER control everything.
And that's better than okay.

My VBAC story

We had my 41 wk appointment at 9am for an Ultrasound and Non Stress Test. I made Josh take a half day from work to go with me. Baby did great, we set up an appointment for Thursday for another NST and to talk about possibly inducing around 42+2. Josh and I talked on the way home and decided we wanted to avoid that and would consider castor oil or cohosh on the weekend. 

I went back home and settled in for a nap with my 2yr old. Josh headed off to work. We got up and played for an hour or so when I had a pretty strong contraction around 5pm. After about 2 more I realized I couldn't be distracted during them so I called my mom to come pick up my son. My husband came home with dinner about that time we had previously decided to order pizza, what a blessing! We waited about 30 minutes before calling our doula and midwife. We wanted to labour at home but contractions started at 5min apart and lasting a full minute so the midwife wanted us to come immediately. 

We did wait about an hour and unfortunately it was the middle of a stinking blizzard. The drive normally 35 minutes took over an hour. We drove through the worst of it and couldn't see even the car in front of us from time to time. I was praying the entire drive between contractions. Josh did an amazing job driving! I was so thankful he remained calm on the drive. 

We arrived at the hospital at 9:15. I had to be checked upon admittance, 5cm. 

We labored in so many different positions it was a really good experience. My husband and my doula pressed on my hips to counter the back labour with every contraction. It was amazing!  I had more freedom of movement, everyone was very supportive. My midwife asked me what I thought baby weighed as contractions were building, she said in her experience natural birth moms were within ounces of the birth weight. I guessed 6lbs 12oz.

Then it started that I'd have the urge to push with scattered contractions. I was only 8cm. That is exactly what happened with my first and one of the reasons I ended up with a C-Section. My midwife and doula were so supportive through that rough time. I will call that my weakest moment. I felt defeated and broken. Everyone in the room joined together to sing the doxology with me and my husband prayed with me. I cried and basically got to release all the negative from my first labour. Talk about inner healing!! 

But I was allowed to push while laying on my right side. My midwife tried to check me but couldn't in my current position so she asked me to move to my back quickly. Once I was on my back I pushed maybe 3 times and his head was right there!!! 

I got to reach down and feel his hair. It filled me with resolve and determination. I was doing it!! The next 2 pushes were terrible. The "ring of fire" is absolutely no joke!! But then I felt his head come out and my husband rushed from beside my head to catch our son. I will NEVER forget his face as our son birthed into his hands. The amount of love, joy, and adoration on his face... He teared up as he present the baby to me and laid him on my chest. 

We had done it!! I had first degree tears that needed stitched but I was holding my baby and I prefer vaginal stitching to CS! 

I got to hold baby for nearly 2 hours before they weighed and measured him. 6 lbs 14 oz 20in 

He was born at exactly 12:00am 2/18/14 only 7 hours after my first contraction. It was a very emotional and healing birth after the trauma with my first. 

Thank you for reading :) 

Exodus 14:14 NLT

"The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm."

A lot has happened in our lives recently. A LOT of changes!! My husband has started his new job, and DAILY tells me how much he LOVES it! He was invited to join a bible study and to attend company parties and gatherings. He was instantly accepted and treated like a long time employee. His drive went from 50min (one way) down to 17 and it is a much easier drive. 

The second BIG change.... we found out we are expecting baby #2! At my first appointment we got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat. It always makes it that much more real hearing the baby for the first time. My due date, thankfully, was moved from late Jan to mid- Feb! I will take all the extra time I can get as my first was very nearly 3 weeks late! 

And finally next weekend another of my brother's-in-law, Nate, is getting married! What a crazy summer! And it isn't over yet! I wonder what else God has in-store for this family? 

OR 08

Ugh... well I did about 7 days without yelling. And hello day 8. Cam was clingy ALL day, it was late and Hubs brought up a push button topic. Sigh....

At least tomorrow will be better.

Tomorrow can always be better!!!


Why I do, what I do :)

OR Day 4

So last night was my first true test of not yelling.... I'm proud of myself I calmed down took 20 seconds but I only yelled No No No.

It was late at night and I felt frustrated that I was having to repeat information from the previous day.

I CAN DO THIS!!!!!

A reminder why I'm trying to get better :) My men!

The Orange Rhino

What is an Orange Rhino? Well it is one very smart mother. Read on, I will explain.

I have a problem. Many people will never see it or experience it. I have a temper, and I yell. I am careful not to yell in public or around friends. I don't want them to think ill of me. But what am I doing? Constantly yelling at my husband and my child?

I know it's wrong, I know it is bad. I honestly don't know many good ways to express and/or deal with anger. It's possible that it runs in my family but that has always been my excuse. I was 'raised this way.' 'This is just who I am.'

But it isn't me.... if it were me I would not be consumed by guilt after every raged fueled outburst. I can hear part of me screaming in my head and I'm yelling "this isn't you, you can be more than this."

So here I am.... day 1.

Confession time

I swear... a lot. And 99% of the time it is AT my husband in anger.

I yell... a LOT. The littlest thing can set me off.

I am TIRED OF IT!!!!

I do NOT want C growing up with it. Maybe it is a blessing that he doesn't talk yet. He can't repeat my words :-(

I found this blog called The Orange Rhino. http://theorangerhino.com/

""Rhinos are tenacious and vigorous animals who are naturally peaceful, but display aggressive behavior when provoked.

Wow. That’s me alright, minus the vigorous piece. I definitely don’t have the mental strength or energy. If I did, I wouldn’t let myself charge with my “words” so frequently!  I am totally a Rhino. But I don’t want to be aggressive; I want to lose that and gain the vigorous part. I need more warmth and energy. Clearly, I need a little more of the color Orange in my life especially since it also conjures up feelings of determination which I am most definitely going to need more of in order to conquer this challenge.

So there you have it. I want to be The Orange Rhino.

I want to be a mom who has the energy and determination to forge ahead and parent with more composure and warmth and without the yelling!""

And here I am... day 1.